It is currently 7:49 am on this beautiful Monday morning. We have about a week or so until spring officially begins but as I sit here with the windows wide open typing away, the cool 53 degree breeze and sunshine sweep through my living room, illuminating the space. My two dogs are sitting beside my desk, snoozing in their beds. My husband is sleeping in the bedroom while I have been awake for quite some time.

I love airing out the house in the morning. It is the first thing I do before I begin my morning tidy, open all the windows and let the house breathe. There is a cute little hummingbird that keeps coming up to the window where I have placed the feeder. It is so cute, its come back several times this morning to drink the sweet sugary nectar I have prepared for them.

It has taken me about three months to get back into the swing of things since the passing of my sweet chihuahua. She was a few months shy of her 13th birthday. She suffered from incessant ear allergies, lumps, bumps and ailments, despite our best efforts to alleviate her issues it just never worked. We had taken her to multiple vets, trying all the remedies offered, pills, topicals, washes, even several procedures where they put her under anesthesia to remedy the issue, nothing worked.

The last couple of years she was showing many signs of doggie dementia, then she would be back to normal experiencing lucid moments where her little personality would shine through and she would be a ball of energy. Which was then followed by many potty accidents as she was losing control of her bladder. She had also stopped walking, only grazing in our field to use the bathroom and enjoy the sunshine. My husband and I literally have not slept for more than 3 hours at a time over the last couple of years because when the dog got up she immediately needed to use the bathroom so we would take her out at all hours of the day and night. Her last week of life was a struggle for her, she stopped barking, stopped eating and stopped walking all together. After the 5th day of these symptoms, she could not stand anymore so we urgently took her to the vet.

My sweet pup was looking dazed and exhausted and borderline unresponsive. She had not been herself for sometime; she was no longer the energetic, happy little chunk I raised. The vet advised it would cost over $600 only to diagnose what the issue is and that she needed hospitalization and treatment for at least several days, quoting us thousands of dollars that we just did not have and had no way of obtaining. My dog literally rolled over on the table as the vet quoted us.

The vet told us it would be a matter of days that she would pass without any intervention, and even then she stated there is no guarantee on how she would respond given her age and health. We could not afford the treatment plan provided by the vet and were advised we had to make the impossible decision to put her to sleep so she would suffer no longer.

I still cry about that day as I remember every bit of it so vividly. That whole week was so stressful because I had known the inevitable was coming just by looking at her. She was giving me that look, and if you have ever had the awful experience of putting your dog to sleep you will know the exact look I am talking about. The day we decided to take her in, it was about three hours from when we left our home to when we said goodbye. Time felt as if it was moving in slow motion and warp speed simultaneously. I carried her the entire journey and she passed peacefully wrapped in my arms as I told her over and over how much I loved her and how much of a good girl she was. I tried my best to keep the tears in until after because I did not want to stress her out, but she was pretty much sleeping before the process even began.

Now my sweet chunk is at peace in a small urn on my shelf, next to a picture of her paw print and a bag with her fur clippings. I still say good morning every day to her, looking for her around the house or thinking I hear her in the other room, only to be punched with the reminder that she is gone. The first few days were the worst, non stop bawling from me and our other two dogs searching around the home looking for her.

It was a new experience watching my other dogs experience the grief with me. They were both extra close to my husband and I, not leaving my side and wanting to sleep in the bed with us when they usually sleep in their own beds. We all comforted each other as a family, my husband truly being the rock for us all. He too experienced the grief but somehow still provided the strength for us all to lean on. I don’t know where I would be in my life without him by my side.

Through all the impaling grief and tears shed, life must continue. We are a family of four again, with bills to pay and mouths to feed. We can not stop living and moving through the feelings. Our other dogs depend on us and we depend on each other to keep going. I’ve been learning to cope and manage this grief. I’ve lost relatives in the past and experienced grief before, but losing my dog hurt on another level. I thought I would share five of my best tips for coping with grief and living through loss, in hopes it may help someone who is going through something similar.

Keep up your routine. Doing your everyday things will help you stay present in the moment and provide a sense of sanity as you adjust to the ‘new normal’.
Self care is key. Incorporating self care into your routine helps immensely. The days I did my skin care routine, brushed my hair, took some quiet time to myself, read a book, made a cozy drink, ate a nutritious meal, I found I looked and FELT my best, which helps a lot when you’re feeling low. Very important to keep eating and drinking water, you must nourish your body as it deals with these strong feelings. Sometimes just changing into a different outfit helps us feel more confident, which is a great boost when coping with grief.
Lean on love. Maybe it’s your spouse/partner, your pets, your siblings, your friends, your parents or a therapist, lean on the support group you have. It’s important you ask for help and comfort when you need it. A hug or snuggle from a loved one really does wonders for the soul when dealing with trauma and loss. Sometimes relating to others who have experienced loss can be chicken soup for soul.
Cry it out. Or if you’re angry, feel that. Scream into a pillow, write an angry letter and burn it, or just cry through those emotions as they come up. The point is, no matter what stage of grief you’re in, do not suppress it. Feel those emotions. The only way to go through it is to grow through it, you must feel those emotions, you can’t get around it by avoiding as they will bubble up and grow stronger until you allow that emotional release.
Do something different. I recently started buying fresh flowers to have in my home. Its a small, inexpensive little thing that brings me joy and happiness while changing my environment just a little. We also hung some paintings and home décor on the walls. These little changes really improve the energy and look of our home, bringing in some simple positivity.

Living Through Grief After Loss

New Year, New Me